Awake now.

I feel like I'm taking part in a marathon which I was just suddenly made aware of. I'm lagging behind, miles behind. Everyone seems more accomplished, more content, more self-assured. They all just carry on running, heading in a particular direction, whereas I am still behind.

Why didn't I know of this world before? Everyone travels, has independence to do anything, knows so much about books, authors, comedians, films, film directors, etc. I didn't even know that directors were praised and important until recently. Where have I been? Why can't I catch up? What's wrong with me?

It's cold and alone and I don't like it here anymore. No-one seems to understand or even notice what's going on. I can't carry on like this anymore. I want to give up but I can't. I'm so tired of feeling empty. I'm so tired of hating myself. I'm tired of talking about myself. I want to be me, but it seems nothing will help.

And no-one knows what to tell me. Everything I try doesn't help. I feel so alienated and hated. What have I always done wrong to end up like this? I'm so tired of being tired.