I am in the shower, curled up on the floor. The hot water splatters down the sides of my neck and down my back. I am quivering, shaking, and exhausted, despite the fact that it's 9pm and I've spent the whole day sleeping. The salty tears roll down my face.
The memories are coming back. The years of insults, bullying, endless dreams of a future that would actually mean something. The beginning of all of this: the on-going battle just to live. And more than anything, the loneliness. The deep, haunting loneliness that bellows out from the deepest part of my soul.
It's no dog barking. There is no fucking black dog.
It's a creature of thick black tar that insipidly crawls in my body. All is heavy. All is disgusting. I want to tear my insides out, rip away at my flesh and push the thick darkness out.
Five years of this. Five years of my life have gone on a battle I don't want to fight. How much longer? All my ambition, my drive, my excitement and enthusiasm about the future has been washed away.
And the anger is building up. All that frustration, that feeling of being treated like an idiot by everyone. Around me, people are building up a life. I still feel like a teenager: angst, rebellious, desperate to escape from a world that has bound me to its expectations of propriety.
I want to belong somewhere. I want to feel like someone actually wants me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. My heart is tearing at itself apart, desperate to find the Nishma who used to believe in a better world.
I wrote this over 2 years ago:
ReplyDeletehttp://elliepant.wordpress.com/2009/03/18/escape-from-the-dragon-of-darkness/
My take:
When you are depressed, thinking is not a worthwhile cause of action. The sorts of questions one tends to dwell on are unanswerable and frightening, and should only be approached in a healthy frame of mind.
The most important things to do are practical: forcing yourself to keep to a routine no matter how difficult it seems. Get up. Look good. Do some excersise. Eat healthy food. Talk to someone (but ideally someone understanding and practical), and sleep 8 hours. AVOID THE INTERNET.
Otherwise it is a vicious cycle, and your physical world deteriorates compounding the psychological challenges.
Seek help: there is a lot of knowledge available on depression much of it useful. We know increasingly much about the risk factors and strategies for dealing with it. If you are naturally more prone to depression, then it is even more important to sharpen tools for handling it. And accepting it for what it is: a pyschological state (some would say illness), with a strong behavioural component.
Some people find the drugs helpful, some do not. All could benefit from expert counselling, eg CBT. Sadly this is not always easy to access on the NHS, so if you have a family member with the money to pay for you to see a private psychologist, it is an extremely worthwhile investment. At the very minimum they can brief you on strategies to cope.
Again, don't dwell on the world's problems if you are not in a mentally fit state. Be brave enough to accept your own weaknesses. Accept that all of us are small and our impact cannot be measured against the enormity of the world. Focus on the things in your life you can change, and the things and relationships that are close to you. Enjoy the little things in life - watch Amelie.
I do not you know well Nishma, but from the conversations I have had with you, I believe you have the balls to face this down, and it will be a learning experience which you will later share with others.
Good luck. Much love x
And I reiterate: seek expert advice.
ReplyDeleteThis book is an example of something that is *not* expert advice, but none-the-less many people have found helpful at least in its method of analysis of its conclusions. F/b me your address and I'll send you a copy for xmas.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Road-Less-Travelled-Arrow-New-Age/dp/0099727404
But seek expert advice too.