They say I have depression and anxiety. I spend most of my time staring at the ceiling wondering why I keep carrying. It becomes impossible to communicate. Words are harder to form - written across a page they sound foolish and pathetic. Every conversation seems tedious and utterly pointless. What words can be formulated, constructed and discussed to mean anything or express anything at all? The world reflects my mood: it's barren demeanour echoes my hollow mind. In amongst chaos, I feel nothing but the tedium of order. I ache with exhaustion - tears a mere side-effect of a society-induced fear.
My life withers away; interests, hobbies and passions fall like dry petals cascading down towards an empty floor. How can I pick myself up again when my roots have rotted and died?
There seems nothing left. In myself there is only the void; outside, people have drifted away, managing their own lives in exuberance. I stand at window panes, wanting to walk in and join their celebrations, but there is no door and I am invisible.
How do I begin to exist again? How can I pick up the sherds and make the pot whole?
Thursday 5 March 2009
The official diagnosis
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You dip your toe in the water, a pure and simple molecule that forms the mere existence of life... and you shrink away as the heat is sucked from your toe...you try again and this time you find that the feeling of a cool glaze over your toe may not be dislike, indifferent maybe...not dislike...one day you find yourself bathing in life...just like you did before you were thrown by the crashes of waves on a stormy day! Before the rise of dawn there must be darkeness...
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need to find a new inspiration for life? Maybe you need to discover who you really are? Maybe it's just discovering life again, from the viewpoint of a newborn. Taste something new, go somewhere new and have a good look. Listen to your surroundings, try and pick out what you can hear. Go to the markets and feel different textures. Sense new things, and maybe you will learn to appreciate the world again. Nishma, I hope you find the will to fight again :) Because the world needs you, your friends and family still need you. *hugs*
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