I really shouldn't only update this blog when things aren't going particularly well, but I need advice and help. I have been put on venlafaxine, and in spirits, I feel better. I don't seem so self-deprecating and I certainly feel I have more energy. However, things haven't been going so well, and I am scared that I'll never be able to cope by myself.
I need help in finding out what I should do to get better.
1) I've read that I should start doing things I enjoy, but I don't even know what they are. How can I tell the difference from what I enjoy and what I think I should enjoy?
2) What reason is there to wake up in the morning? I don't work because there's a recession and there are no jobs. How do I pass time alone?
3) How do I face the self-deprecating demons that have crushed me into nothingness? I have no self-esteem left and that is causing severe inferiority situations, which I feel incapable of tackling.
4) How do I stop myself from breaking down? How can I not curl up into a ball every time something small and trivial turns up and I spiral into the negative thoughts that dominated my depression?
5) How do I get over the past? Every time I collapse into another breakdown, it starts off with not understanding why I was bullied at school, with family and with Indian society people from the age of about 6 to 16. What did I do wrong? And why can't I get over that?
Sorry for all these questions. I feel very lost, and I don't really know what else to do about it. The internet has been useless in this aspect.
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Can a sufferer speak true?
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Hi,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember me - I used to keep a blog over at http://onedayinthelife.blogspot.com - and I still have your blog RSS feed in my feedreader.
I'm sorry to hear that you're still doing it tough, but it's great that you're getting the help you need, and that the medication you've started on seems to be helping.
Everybody's experience with depression and anxiety is different, and I can't say exactly what would work for you. But here are some things that have certainly helped me in the past:
- I completely relate to your comment "What reason is there to wake up in the morning?" That's the hardest thing for me, working up the motivation just to get going in the morning. I found having something planned certainly helps - if you make a conscious decision (and maybe write it down?) the night before that you will make it to the supermarket/library/wherever by 11am, then it gives you something to aim for. I also found it important to not be so hard on myself - sometimes, just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and leaving the house for half an hour is a major achievement, and I had to teach myself to recognise it as such.
- I can also relate to the spiralling negative thoughts; it's often when I'm trying to get to sleep that I get into one of those. Something that I've been trying recently to calm me down and stop the thoughts (my psychologist suggested it) is to very deliberately and consciously imagine myself walking through a house or place that I know well. For me it's the old house of a family friend - I imagine myself going from room to room, and I try to picture all the details in as much detail as I can. I find these slow and deliberate thoughts can really help in stopping the racing, spiralling negative thoughts. Of course, this takes a bit of practice, and I'm not going to pretend that it works every time! Personally, though, I find it a bit more effective in halting negative thoughts than that old "breathe deeply and count to 10" kind of stuff.
Anyway, there are a couple of thoughts from my own experience. 'Your mileage may vary'; as I said before, what works for one person doesn't always work for another. If you'd like to talk or whatever, feel free to email me at stuffv.3@gmail.com. I hope things continue to move in a positive direction for you.
Mads
Nish...come to Perth!! Get out of that hell-hole and come back here and spend a little time in a different environment ... everything's changed so much since you were last here...come spend time with me!!
ReplyDeleteYou need to face your demons...I know it's hard...but we are all here if you need us.... call me whenever if you need to talk!
xoxo
Arch
dearest nishma,
ReplyDeleteyou are strong, you are a good person, and shitty things happen to good people. all the best people in my life, pretty much, have had to deal with bullying and not fitting in because they were perceived as "different'. i was the same at school. but being different is not a failing, it's an achievement! it means you've resisted the sheep's way and have developed your own personality. people like "different" because oh my goodness there is nothing more boring than a room full of people who are basically the same.
i can't help you get your self-esteem back but you should know that, if i could, i would. people care about you, because you are WORTH CARING FOR. i hope that helps a little.
i know exactly what you mean about question one and maybe the way to work it out is, just think about what you want to do. right now. not what you "should" be doing, but what actually attracts you. a subject you are interested in. what do you want to know more about? is there anything funny or beautiful you'd like to read? i know these are totally basic questions but it's taken me a really long time to work out what i really enjoy and what i think i should enjoy. sometimes it's a painful revelation. but it's necessary i guess.
i love you so freaking much nish. is there any way i can call you? i'd really like to be able to have a proper conversation. email me?
love anna xxxxx